Never An Easy Day

While most people are sending flowers, going to brunch, and making phone calls, I'm doing something much different. I'm shutting out the world. I'm hiding...sometimes all weekend, or maybe just for the day. This is never an easy day for me. I can't handle watching TV...being around other families...seeing all the commercials, etc about...mom. 
You would think that after 22 years it wouldn't get to me as much. It's quite the opposite. As I get older, I find myself needing her more than I did when I was younger. There are so many things I struggle with and have nobody to turn to. It's agitating when people ask, "What about your dad or brother"? Please...seriously? As much as I love them, they are not my mom. There are things in life that only a mom can be there for and understand. NOBODY is a replacement for a mother. 

My mom was such a kind woman. She never spoke a harsh word about anyone & would give anyone the shirt off her back. I don't know how she managed to do so much. Sometimes I wonder if I've painted this image of her because she's no longer here, but ask anyone who knew her and they would say the same. 

My best friend's mom passed away a few years ago and she was the closest thing I had to a mom. She was just as amazing as my own. I feel like I've lost my mother twice. 


Happy Mother's Day to all my mom friends. I'm thinking of all my motherless friends out there. I love you and know you aren't alone today.
This year I am really going to try not to hide. I have tentative plans with friends, but I'm making no promises not to break them.

Life is not like the movies...is it?

Today I went to see Something Borrowed. Before I go off on my random tangent, let me say that I was expecting a comedy. I left this movie feeling anything but happy. There were some entertaining parts to it...just not enough for me. At first it seems like your typical "best friends let a boy come between them" movie where everyone does the right thing in the end. I was sadly wrong. The good guy should always get the girl (the good one at least) and those who are jerks get theirs in the end. I really don't understand why the movies are so accepting to cheating. This movie turned the cheating people into heros...the ones you cheer for at the end. Well, not this girl. I sat there in disgust over how it portrayed the main characters as "doing the right thing". I know it's just a movie, but I can't help but wonder how many people will watch it and think, "It's ok to cheat as long as your intentions are good". Um, no. I loved the actors in the film and the whole thing wasn't terrible. I just prefer to watch a one that doesn't encourage infidelity. Maybe movie producers are running out of decent material or I'm just overly sensitive to the subject due to personal experiences with it, but either way...I'll take the "fairytails" any day.

Disgusted with America

First off, I am very thankful to live in a country where I can voice my opinions freely. I honestly didn't know what to expect after I heard the news about the death of Bin Laden. I went through several emotions...glad, relieved, disbelief, and fear of the unknown. I wasn't prepared to see people flood the streets waiving flags & cheering for someone's brutal murder. Seeing Saturday Night Live have more than one skit mocking his death just makes me uncomfortable. In no way, shape, or form am I saying that devious, evil man had a right to live. I just think I'd rather see him suffer from some incurable disease. There are things in politics/war that need to be done and I understand that. I'm unsure what this means for the U.S. Could there be another tragedy like 9/11? Let's just say that too many of us are letting our guards down...which is exactly what the enemy is hoping for. What we need to realize is that we've pissed them off beyond belief. How would we feel if they killed our leader? Exactly...it's a never ending cycle.

Pat Tillman Race

On April 16th I completed my first 5K in a little under an hour. It was actually more than a 5K, 4.2 miles, but who's counting! I was! This year is my year for "firsts". I didn't train as much as I had hoped, but I was also dealing with migraines, MRI's, and knee pain. All issues aside, I got through it and did better than I thought I would. Had I not been placed in the corral with walkers, my time would've been better.
I haven't worked out a single day since the race and I feel guilty for it. My knees have been killing me. The heat is on it's way as well which makes for an uncomfortable exercise environment for me. As much as I want to keep doing 5K races, I think I need to stick with something more gentle on my joints like surfing...someday.

Crying and work shouldn't mix

Today wasn't a great Friday. I cried at work...again. I'm so tired of dealing with management who pleads the fifth when you confront them with an issue. They want their staff to be "open and honest 100% of the time", yet when you are, oh how you are drilled into the ground and made to feel like a piece of crap. I wish I had the strength of my friend Anne who has been able to avoid corporate America for some time now through her own businesses. I know I need a steady income, but I also know that I'm worth more than I'm being credit for. I'm glad I'm job hunting and I know I will end up in another corporate position, however knowing that I'll be away from my previous manager (who has only been a manager for a year) will no longer be trying to control me. She has a lot to learn about management and if she keeps moving up in the corporate ladder, I'll know it's not what you know, it's who you can step on to reach the top that really counts.

Here comes the rain again...and the emotions.

Rain! We don't see it very often here in Phoenix, but when we do it can be a spectacle. I love a good rain shower with thunder and lightning. Besides calming down the pollen in the air, which my allergies can't handle much more of...it's cleansing. I definitely needed it today. I've been stressed over so many things I can't control. It always brings a flood of emotion, no pun intended.

Yes, they always say, "control your controllables", whoever "they" are. I know they are right. It's not always easy to do so. I'm worried that the job I've been interviewing for won't come through, worried about my dad & his health, worried about my friend who's 5 year old daughter is fighting cancer, worried about Zoe (kitty) since she's now 13 and has been having health problems, worried that my niece & nephews don't know their aunt as well as they should, and worried that I'm not living my life to the fullest.

On the other hand, I'm very thankful that I still have my dad and brother's family in my life, thankful that I have friends in my life to worry about, thankful I have the opportunity to interview for a job, and thankful for my 4 legged, furry feline who has been in my life for 13 years.

So, rain I thank you today for helping me breathe a little better, think a little clearer, and sleep a little better with the cooler, cleaner air you have brought.

It's been over 2 long years and oh my...how things have changed. I really should write more often. Life just gets in the way. Single once more, working a new job and still California dreaming...Oh I've said it before and I'll say it again until it's true. I WILL move back to San Diego...where the surf is mellow and the boys...well...the boys are just perfect. I have set the gears in motion by altering my job search for San Diego. The temps have given me the get up and get out attitude I need. Besides, if I continue to eat like a surfer without surfing, I'll be in BIG trouble.
I'm happier with my life than I was 2 years ago. I realized that I settled for staying here in Arizona because I thought a man loved me...and he did, but not enough to move where I wanted to. I'm proud of myself for letting go of what I knew was not in anyone's best interest. It was hard because he had done no wrong...nor had I. It was just time for us to realize we had no future together. Zoe is still my favorite sidekick despite some scary visits to see Dr. Patty...very expensive ones at that. BUT, for the cost of my favorite, four-legged, furry feline...I wouldn't trade her for the world. Who says dogs are a man's best friend? Cats are just as entertaining...without the annoying bark or bite!